Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
