The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
We are all alike, on the inside.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.