There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
What a nice night for an evening.
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.