Zitat des Tages von Steven Wright:
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.