Steven Wright Zitate auf Englisch

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So, do you live around here often?

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Steven Wright

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright