Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.
What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.
When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
