Zitat des Tages von Joan Rivers:
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
I am furious about everything.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
