Joan Rivers Zitate – Sprüche auf Englisch mit Übersetzung

Zitat des Tages von Joan Rivers:

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Joan Rivers

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Joan Rivers

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Joan Rivers

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Joan Rivers

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Joan Rivers

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

Joan Rivers

I am furious about everything.

Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Joan Rivers

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Joan Rivers

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Joan Rivers

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

Joan Rivers

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Joan Rivers

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Joan Rivers

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Joan Rivers