Joan Rivers Zitate auf Englisch

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I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

Joan Rivers

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Joan Rivers

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

Joan Rivers

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.

Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

Joan Rivers

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

Joan Rivers

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Joan Rivers

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Joan Rivers

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

Joan Rivers

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Joan Rivers

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.

Joan Rivers

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

Joan Rivers