Demetri Martin Zitate auf Englisch

Zitat des Tages von Demetri Martin:

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Demetri Martin

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Demetri Martin

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Demetri Martin

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Demetri Martin

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Demetri Martin

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Demetri Martin