Zitat des Tages von Rita Rudner:
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
