Zitat des Tages von Phyllis Diller:
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.