Zitat des Tages von Mitch Hedberg:
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'