When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.