Zitat des Tages von Jasper Carrott:
When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!
If you were asked to go on 'Mastermind,' what would your specialist subject be? I wouldn't have a clue what I could answer questions on. Birmingham City Football Club would be a start, I suppose, but with a hundred odd years of history, thousands of matches, players and incidents to recall, even access to Google would leave me struggling.
When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.
Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.
I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.
If I were to ask you who the first million-pound show winner was on British TV, you'd probably go for Judith Keppel. She was, indeed, the first 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant to win £1 million, but the first one on TV was actually Clare Barwick, who won £1 million on Chris Evans' show 'TFI Friday.'
There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.
I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.
Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.
My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.
The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.
Celador always ask me to do their shows, and I turned down 'Millionaire.' I couldn't have done it as well as Chris Tarrant, or at least I couldn't have done it any better.
Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.
I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.
Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000.
I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.
