Zitat des Tages von George Carlin:
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.