I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?