Zitat des Tages von Rodney Dangerfield:
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.