Zitat des Tages von Henny Youngman:
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Take my wife... Please!
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.