Zitat des Tages von Groucho Marx:
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.