Zitat des Tages von Fred Allen:
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.