I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
