When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
Comedy is all about the pause.
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.
My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.
That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.
I don't do any corporate work.
There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.
There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.
