Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.
Even on the stage, I've played a bit of a persona, and the persona I played was a much brasher, more arrogant, less aware, less educated version of me.
Karl Pilkington has the roundest head, I think, in the world. It's not technically a deformity, but I've never seen anything quite that spherical.
That's the buzz for me, the creative process. An idea is never as good as when it's in your head. And then it's just how little you ruin it.
I really just want to make Karl Pilkington the new messiah.
Where there's a will - there's a relative!
Believe it or not, I work out regularly.
I think our elderly are forgotten sometimes.
I don't do one-liners, because you don't learn anything about that comedian.
I think all art - even one as lowly as making jokes about celebrities - is there to make a connection.
I like the ironic pomposity of a stand-up comedian. Like all those comedians thinking they can bring down Coca-Cola. They forget to be funny.
I was never ambitious. I was never ambitious at school.
There are no Hollywood stars speaking out for the elderly. They're forgotten, bewildered, and I don't think it's because people are cruel or don't care. It's because you don't want to think about your own mortality. I think people don't talk about it enough.
I don't know what Trump has to do to lose his supporters. It's like a religion. He's a school bully.
I remember asking my mum when I was about 13, 'Why are my brothers and sister so much older than me?' And she just said, 'You were a mistake.' And I laughed.
Humor is to get us over terrible things.
If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. So I go about my days trying to bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. And then everyone gets furious about it. And then I sit back and say, 'I did that!'
I'm an optimist.
I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke.
I was David Bowie-thin up to about 28, and then I discovered food.
I think I'm pretty self-aware.
I didn't like noisy cinemas when I wasn't famous.
I like grown-up comedy, where it's about character and attitude and life as opposed to obvious gross-out and jokes.