Golf and dating don't mix.
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
Most people think I'm immodest.
I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.
I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.
There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
I think Michael Moore is a hero.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
You know, I'm really not that bright.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.
I can't stand reading anything that I've said.
I have no secrets.