When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.
The only 'B' word you should call a woman is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.
I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.
I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.
I do what I want, when I want, wherever I want!....as long as my mom says it's okay.
Courtesy and good humor are often found with little real worth.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
And I would be the first to admit that probably, in a lot of press conferences over the time that I have been in coaching, indulging my own sense of humor at press conferences has not been greatly to my benefit.
When someone says expect the unexpected, slap them and say I bet you didn't expect that!
'Make a remark,' said the Red Queen; 'it's ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding!'
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ...until you can find a rock.
Humor is, I think, the subtlest and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers.
To all the students who drop out and failed high school: Remember two things; 1) You tried your best. 2) I don't like onions on my Big Mac.
Humor prevents a hardening of the attitudes.
You know, I'm Australian, and we have got the worst sense of humor. We are cruel to each other.
Perhaps naively I thought people understand what humor was, that it was invented by the human race to cope with the dark areas of life, problems and terrors.
Rhinos are nothing but fat unicorns.
Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
If you see me open my eyes wide open during a convo it's because I'm thinking of how it would feel like if my eyes exploded.
There is also this benefit in brag, that the speaker is unconsciously expressing his own ideal. Humor him by all means, draw it all out, and hold him to it.
Humor is the sunshine of the mind
Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.
My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.
Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
Croissants are just normal bread that went to Art school.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
Make little things count...teach midgets math!