Zitat des Tages von Tim Vine:
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
