Zitat des Tages von Tom Lehrer:
Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
I wasn't really a performer by temperament.
I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs.
One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money.
You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.
Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.
In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'
When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.
If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.
Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff.
If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.
I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery.
I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up.
Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.
Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead.
When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.'
